Flowers and Sausages
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Culinary School
Monday, July 12, 2010
Hot Garlic Pickles
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Breakfast
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Home Improvement
"I don't know how well you know my dad, but one of the things that has always stuck out is that he never ever complains. But today he talked to me about his condition and what's going to happen to him. It's the first time I've ever heard my dad sound afraid or scared. He was trying to keep from crying when he told me that all he can do is put himself in God's hands. We talked for a while, and most of the reason I called was to try to cheer him up a little, and I was clearly not succeeding. So to lighten it up a bit, I read him your blog on home improvement. My dad laughed so hard I thought he was gonna die right there... But thanks, that really did the trick for my dad today."
I have never been so touched, I got all misty reading that. Here is what I wrote that made my grandpa's day:
I have lived in many apartments over the years, and it seems that each one gets more bland than the last. Since my surroundings usually bore me, I've spent a significant chunk of my time perfecting the art of building furniture from kits, assembling various products, and perfecting my hammering skills. I decided it would be helpful if I wrote down some tips for you, so that one day you all can become as good as me.
1. Go to the store totally unprepared. There is really no need to know how wide any of your windows are, how big your door is for moving in furniture, or how much space you have on the wall. You can do it all from memory - "60 inches? I'm 60 inches, and I'm longer than that, I'm sure it will fit!" Don't look at the website of the store you're going to to see if they have what you want, and CERTAINLY don't waste your time by calling ahead! Every store has everything in stock, all the time. Also don't worry if it fits in your car or if you can lift it, you'll be able to cram it in there with no trouble.
2. Buy it now!! Target only has half of what you need, but it's on sale - why waste time and money when you can get half now for $2 less??? You can totally live in a half finished bedroom or bathroom, no one really cares. Your guests won't notice anything, and if they do too bad it's your fucking house, so cram it.
3. Any tools you need will either be included or you have them at home, don't bother checking if you'll need anything because you'll always have everything, all the time. God, stop wasting time already and get home so you can assemble it!
4. Open the item with total disregard for where anything goes. In fact, try to take up as much space as you can with the contents. Sure, you'll be able to find all those small nails embedded in your carpet later, it's fine really. Besides, you're probably due for a tetanus shot anyway.
5. Instructions are for pussies and should only be used as a last resort. You're smart enough to figure it out by yourself, and you've probably already spilled something on them anyway.
6. Compensate! Don't have a drill? Try using a hammer. Need a Phillips head screwdriver? Try using a hammer!! Oh no, did you break something you need with the hammer?? Good use of duct tape and push pins will fix that in a second. Really, a hammer is all you should need. Oh also, make sure to store your hammer on a high shelf next to some freestanding books - it totally won't fall on you every time you open your closet door.
7. Levels are also for pussies. You can probably guess if its straight. If its not, one of your friends is probably anal retentive about that shit and will fix it for you when they come over and view your wonderful home. Also if you're hanging separate items on the same wall, don't bother marking with a pen where they will go or measuring anything. Just hammer that shit in place and if it looks wrong, just try again, who cares if its 3am?
8. Crying will definitely help you figure out where you have gone wrong. Yelling and throwing things will help too - in fact, just put a curse on the whole thing. Also make sure to call someone and yell at them - it's totally their fault you hammered the wrong pieces together. The more irrational you are, the more they will want to come over and assist you.
9. Take a break. Take as long as you want - you can break for a half hour, 12 hours, hell take 3 weeks. Make sure you don't put anything away though - just leave it right where it is, that way everyone will know that you are just taking a break and aren't lazy or anything.
10. When you are finally finished, make sure to gloat about it to everyone that comes to your house, all the time. Make sure they are aware of your extremely awesome hammering skills and the fact that you put it together yourself. You can leave out the parts about crying though, or the fact that you had to bribe someone into carrying it into your apartment for you, however you may want to mention that they probably shouldn't touch it in the event that it might fall down.
After reading this, I assure that you are now ready to go out and build your own furniture and assemble anything you can imagine!! I hope that this has helped you, and don't forget to call me rejoicing after you have successfully used my methods to achieve your own greatness!!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Oops


Wednesday, December 23, 2009
King John's Christmas


King John was not a good man –
He had his little ways.
And sometimes no one spoke to him
For days and days and days.
And men who came across him,
When walking in the town,
Gave him a supercilious stare,
Or passed with noses in the air –
And bad King John stood dumbly there,
Blushing beneath his crown.
King John was not a good man,
And no good friends had he.
He stayed in every afternoon…
But no one came to tea.
And, round about December,
The cards upon his shelf
Which wished him lots of Christmas cheer,
And fortune in the coming year,
Were never from his near and dear,
But only from himself.
King John was not a good man,
Yet had his hopes and fears.
They’d given him no present now
For years and years and years.
But every year at Christmas,
While minstrels stood about,
Collecting tribute from the young
For all the songs they might have sung,
He stole away upstairs and hung
A hopeful stocking out.
King John was not a good man,
He lived his live aloof;
Alone he thought a message out
While climbing up the roof.
He wrote it down and propped it
Against the chimney stack:
“TO ALL AND SUNDRY - NEAR AND FAR -
F. Christmas in particular.”
And signed it not “Johannes R.”
But very humbly, “Jack.”
“I want some crackers,
And I want some candy;
I think a box of chocolates
Would come in handy;
I don’t mind oranges,
I do like nuts!
And I SHOULD like a pocket-knife
That really cuts.
And, oh! Father Christmas, if you love me at all,
Bring me a big, red, india-rubber ball!”
King John was not a good man –
He wrote this message out,
And gat him to this room again,
Descending by the spout.
And all that night he lay there,
A prey to hopes and fears.
“I think that’s him a-coming now!”
(Anxiety bedewed his brow.)
“He’ll bring one present, anyhow –
The first I had for years.”
“Forget about the crackers,
And forget the candy;
I’m sure a box of chocolates
Would never come in handy;
I don’t like oranges,
I don’t want nuts,
And I HAVE got a pocket-knife
That almost cuts.
But, oh! Father christmas, if you love me at all,
Bring me a big, red, india-rubber ball!”
King John was not a good man,
Next morning when the sun
Rose up to tell a waiting world
That Christmas had begun,
And people seized their stockings,
And opened them with glee,
And crackers, toys and games appeared,
And lips with sticky sweets were smeared,
King John said grimly: “As I feared,
Nothing again for me!”
“I did want crackers,
And I did want candy;
I know a box of chocolates
Would come in handy;
I do love oranges,
I did want nuts!
I haven’t got a pocket-knife —
Not one that cuts.
And, oh! if Father Christmas, had loved me at all,
He would have brought a big, red,
india-rubber ball!”
King John stood by the window,
And frowned to see below
The happy bands of boys and girls
All playing in the snow.
A while he stood there watching,
And envying them all …
When through the window big and red
There hurtled by his royal head,
And bounced and fell upon the bed,
An india-rubber ball!
And oh Father Christmas,
My blessings on you fall
For bringing him a big, red,
India-rubber ball!
